Q: Hey Aarde,

I’m sick of not going to family events because of two estranged family members. How do I attend without fear of a dramatic and embarrassing episode with them?

-Apprehensive BBQ Devotee

A: Hi Apprehensive BBQ Devotee,

Giving them power over your reactions is like sandblasting over a new manicure—it’s pointless. A quote from an unknown author comes to mind: “In the face of adversity, we have a choice. We can be bitter or we can be better.”

Typically, I would advise to kindly respond to the host that you cannot attend but appreciate the invitation and hope that they enjoy the event, sans your presence. Since you’ve admitted your desire to attend, we have more to consider. I hope it’s safe to assume that the reason you’d like to attend is that 98 percent of the attendees are relatives who share a loving correspondence with you. Only the remaining 2 percent are the ones who, for whatever reason, have deemed you unworthy of their loving kindness.

Let’s establish some facts: They are clearly outnumbered by people who know and love you. We are only capable and responsible for managing out own feelings and reactions.

We have the ability to recognize offputting behavior. We have tips and tricks to re-regulate our nervous systems. The only people making a dramatic emotional episode would be the offenders. You are not the problem, regardless of their accusations (unless you are, but I doubt that’s the case if you have 98 percent support). And most close-minded or closed-hearted people are very hurt and have developed no skills for personal growth.

Therefore, my advice to you is: Go. Be kind. Be quiet. Stand tall. Ask for help—you can assign a capable family member to step in and create a diversion if times get tense. Leave with your dignity. And ALWAYS follow up with a healthy self-care ritual. Know that you are worthy of love.

Do you have a burning question you need advice about? Reach out via email to jdaarde@gmail.com or on via Instagram handle ‘aarde_writes.’